Supporting Growing Independence at Home

One of the trickiest things about parenting middle schoolers is figuring out how much support to give, knowing that the goal is building independence. I talk with many of our families about ways parents, guardians, and caregivers can support students at home as they develop the executive function skills they need to succeed. Here are some of the ideas we often discuss:

Provide some casual but supportive structures.

At school, we keep the environment fairly consistent and predictable, so the focus can be on learning. At home, you can replicate that by developing some predictable afternoon and evening routines. Maybe it’s a quick snack when you first get home, then something physical like taking the dog for a walk, followed by homework time, and then free time and access to an electronic device.

Creating routines means fewer arguments, and more mental energy to devote to the most challenging parts. Other structures that replicate what students find at school are consistent spots to store school materials, a clutter-free workspace, and visual checklists.

Build self awareness and honest reflection through guided conversation.

Instead of asking, “How was your day?” ask your student questions that encourage them to reflect on how they were the agents of their own success. Try, “What helped you get started on something tricky today?” Or, “When did you feel most confident today? What helped you feel that way?”

Yes, they will roll their eyes at you. But stick with it, and even tell your own stories that make visible the effort you put into managing your own responsibilities. It will pay off!

Take advantage of everyday tasks to build executive function skills naturally.

Work together to plan your weekend by naming the things you have to do and what you’ll do just for fun, estimating how long they’ll all take, and piecing them together in a way that makes sense. Plan a meal together with a favorite recipe; ask your student to check the pantry for ingredients and then make you a shopping list. Identify a household project that looks overwhelming, like organizing old toys and games, and then break it down into the smallest parts together.

These strategies help middle schoolers build independence and a sense of responsibility by providing support without undermining their agency. Additionally, these can naturally and consistently connect a student's school life and home life, reinforcing their learning, skill development, and growth.